It's been awhile..

Hello All, It's been quite the time since I have posted on my blog. Life has been a whirlwind of a time.. but now, it feels like the world has stopped and I am looking above it all and wondering.. what's next for me? I fell in love back in 2011 and thought.. this is it! My dreams have finally come true.. I found an amazing guy, I was going to get married, have kids.. Then recently, it all changed.. My picture perfect dream had come to an end. The relationship was amazing at the start. We went on our first date, things went well, we became good friends, spending more and more time together. We then became boyfriend and girlfriend.. I was very scared as this would be my first boyfriend after quite some time.. I never really had a serious relationship.. I mean I dated guys before but they never really lasted long.. only 2-3 months. It was also amazing he was the same nationality as me, coming from a Portuguese background it's a good thing to keep with that.. anyways.. back to the story. I said yes to him and we started to date.. as time progressed I saw that this guy was really into me, I knew it was time to meet his family and I with his. Things went well! I got a long with his family and as did mine with his. Wow.. my dream is coming true.. next I was hoping for an engagement.. now it was 2013 and we had been together around 2 years.. we went to a jewellery store together and he was watching at the rings I was looking at.. some hope inside was like YES! its coming, finally! I have my happily ever after starting! New Years Day came along.. and just that! He proposed to me! I was on top of the world.. I could picture the wedding now, kids, a house.. Things were still amazing.. we went on our first big trip together, he had never been anywhere out of Canada before so it was very exciting! We started looking for houses together.. it was so fun at first! I could picture our family in the home, making amazing memories.. but then, something changed.. he wasn't as confident as before.. he wasn't acting like the guy I fell for years back.. I kept hoping.. but that feeling turned for the worst. We started to fight more, which we had never ever done before, fights were becoming more meaningful, more hurtful, hard.. we tried to make it work, we decided okay maybe not looking at housing was a good idea right in this stage.. finances weren't the best, the housing market wasn't the best.. well at least that's what I was hoping was the answers to this.. but, it wasn't.. and what happened that one Saturday was my signal to leave.. because what I was originally hoping for.. was no more. He picked me up, like he usually did.. I unfortunately don't have a vehicle because I was saving it to use as a down deposit for our first home.. fair enough, I think that's a very mature thing for a woman like myself to do.. especially after going to school, paying for it all myself.. I never did loans! I didn't want to be stuck paying things back as I got older.. anyways.. he picked me up and he was on the phone with his cousin, who is around the same age as myself and is looking into his future buying his own first home.. that's great I was thinking.. anyways, I could hear the whole conversation as it was on hands free.. and some things my fiance was saying.. made me uneasy.. especially a part where his cousin asked.. who's more picky for searching for the home, my fiance or myself.. and right away.. he blamed me! I was shocked, I mean he had made remarks like this in the past but I never thought he meant it.. he also had a way of telling people just his said.. another thing he spoke with his cousin about was what HE wanted in a house.. never WE.. always himself.. another red flag.. it should be what both people want.. I didn't want much by this time because I was frustrated in looking for a home.. I just knew I wanted a decent sized kitchen so I could actually enjoy cooking. I've always rented since I left my parents place back in 2008 cause that's all I could afford until I felt more stable.. anyways, I also wanted somewhere to do my art.. I love doing art.. like drawing, sketching.. stuff like that but I wasn't really seeing that so I was okay to let that go.. I was also okay with living in an older home, I don't make much.. and I came from a family that we were happy with what we had.. things were hard a lot of the times but I always looked at the brighter side.. My fiance on the other hand.. was more complicated, he was spoiled, he has it good.. Never left his parent's house really to experience the real world, sheltered.. But easily can say he wants everything brand new, be able to show off his home because "he worked for it".. again no WE.. I was miserable.. and he knew that.. the day went on and we argued a bit and didn't talk, he never liked arguments.. neither did I but he would just become mute.. never talk things out with me.. had an excuse to stop the conversation.. never mend it.. I got use to it after some time but wasn't good to do that and I knew that.. anyways as the day went on we were left to babysit his niece, which was fine.. I love kids.. but I wasn't asked prior to this.. maybe I wanted to talk more about this disagreement.. go for a drive, talk it out.. I hated fighting.. but didn't matter what I had to say.. he said ok and that was that.. around 15 minutes into looking after her.. it ends up being just myself.. hes on his phone playing games, or he took off downstairs because it was a hot day and it was too hot to be upstairs.. I kept calm and pretended to be fine with that.. when I wasn't.. the only thing making me happy was his niece.. playing with me, keeping me going so I didn't sit alone and cry.. he comes back up after around an hour.. then sleeps.. his family comes home, grateful that HE looked after his niece.. not I.. him.. ok thats fine maybe they assumed we both looked after her, that's fine.. my fiance and I went downstairs, which we normally do.. still not talking.. I earlier had texted my friend of the day I was having because I really needed to release tension somehow.. I hate to bottle things up.. its not good to.. but anyways he got a call from a long time friend that he hadn't spoke to in quite some time and the friend asked if he wanted to go to the movies.. at first he hesitated because I was there.. and probably felt bad if he ditched me.. but I said go ahead what were we doing anyways? We weren't talking.. it was going to be like that the rest of the night.. so he told his friend he would go. I texted my friend if we could Facetime after.. I really wanted to talk to someone.. anyone.. cause it wasn't going to be him. His family was going out for dinner and asked us if we wanted to go, he said no because he had just made plans for the movie and I wanted to just go home.. I had enough for one day and just wanted to go home and clear my head and relax.. but what happened next.. was the moment I knew.. this is it.. I went to the washroom cause I wasn't feeling so well.. and I heard his family leave out for dinner. He was calling asking if I was ready to go I said no still needed a few minutes in the washroom.. when I came out of the washroom.. it was like I was seeing a monster, someone totally different.. he had went into my cellphone, which is totally out of his character to do.. he had never ever done that before, he went off on me like I had never seen him act before.. he read what I had texted my friend.. about my day.. how upset I was.. I made comments he didn't like.. I understood that and had apologized, it was already said what more could I do.. but that wasn't enough.. he started kicking movies, games all over his room, he tried to grab my arm and grab my phone a second time.. and the worst of all.. he went face to face to me in such a mean and vulgar attitude that I knew.. right in that moment.. that I was done.. he had no excuse for his actions.. and from that day on he would not be able to fix it.. I was... broken.. this was the love of my life.. and to ask for my engagement ring back.. which he did everytime we fought.. this time I took it off right away.. and never would put it back on.. I left that house, he assumed it was like ever other fight and things would be okay in the next day or two.. but not this time.. this time I was broken.. I was shaken.. I was scared.. I never thought I would ever been in this position.. I always looked in the best of people.. I really hope.. in time I can heal from this.. I can become okay again.. It's a part of my life that I will never get back.. I can just move forward..